A Guide to Knowing Your Killers of Presidents

Saturday evening, Jenna and I went to see Assassins at the university where I work. We had wonderful seats (front and center) which was nice since no one was miked and (added bonus) the actors were far enough away that we didn't get spit on.

I was extremely excited since learning of the production at the beginning of the school year. Assassins is not my favorite musical, but it is one that I was obsessed with for quite some time. (I usually develop obsessions for Sondheim musicals after coming in contact with them.) It's a darkly comedic musical dealing with uncomfortable subjects.

It's set in a moldering carnival. The Proprietor, a brash devil's advocate invites "special" individuals to take potshots at Presidents. The carnival attendees are a diverse group of misanthropes hovering on the psychotic end of the spectrum. They include three of the four individuals who successfully assassinated Presidents and four others who failed despite convoluted plans, unstable personalities, and unnecessary theatrics. While their alternate life choices are encouraged and condoned by the Proprietor, they are constantly badgered by the perpetually jaunty Balladeer (complete in brown leather jacket and cuffed jeans) who points out the foolishness of their endeavors and the virtue of good ol' American commonsense through folksy ballads.

The production was wonderful especially the staging for the Ballad of Czolgosz. The ballad is the second expository song that takes us through the events of the actual assassination (the first is the Ballad of John Wilkes Booth). Leon Czolgosz goes to the Pan-American Exposition in Buffalo, NY and stands in line to shake President McKinley's hand. As the Balladeer explains, the American public remarks on the health and personality of the President. Then the Balladeer and chorus proclaim that in American you can always "make it to the head of the line" if you work hard and follow your dreams. The public whirl through the line, bowing and shaking hands with a nonexistent McKinley (the staging had him standing right in front of me and Jenna) until only a little boy with a Coca-Cola is left. In the frenzy, Czolgosz pushes the kid aside and shots McKinley.

I've always liked McKinley though he's a vertible posterboy for the GOP. He promised domestic prosperity and a strong foothold in foreign trade. He conducted a "front porch campaign." He oversaw several small wars we don't remember. He's on the $500 bill, and he was killed in the Temple of Music. I mean you have to like someone who was killed in the Temple of Music. Now there's a plague memorializing the exact place McKinley was standing when he was shot; I've read that it's in the median of a highway.

So anyway, the musical works within a bloating of the American Dream and the rhetoric of historical documents and schoolroom posters. While our country rhetorically champion's the individual . But obviously, we don't want people to work hard or follow their dreams if their ultimate aim is to cause death and sadness. So there are these two disparagent ideas in these people's lives. There's the grand promise of America and all it's promise and rewards, and then there's the actuality of life as an outsider.

Like I said, it's a dark musical. So while I liked it immensely, it did worsen my headache. I have gun anxiety and even having prop guns pointed at me is a little nerveraking. Also, I'm uncomfortable thinking about psychopaths and sociopaths, and I think to some degree our society is all too willing to ignore or denounce individuals who's dream may be to kill the President. (I know this is a broad statement so please forgive me.)

The musical also hints that it's a delicate balance to really be remembered as an assassin. The stars have to align. Only two out of the four spring to mind. So if you have Presidenticidal tendencies, remember these points:

• Have an easily pronounceable yet unusual name. It has to be vaguely American. It seems that you can't go wrong with a triple name so be sure to include an aesthetic middle name that works well between your first name and surname.
• Pick a President popular enough to be martyred yet not unique enough to overpower your name with his distinctions.
• Don't become involved in a political, terrorist, or extremist group beforehand. They will be remembered as the assassin, and you will be regulated to a footnote.

My advice is find some other way to be remembered. Win American Idol, get your own talk show, or become the director of the F.B.I. and develop a penchant for cross-dressing.